Archive for the ‘Depression’ Category

One of the biggest problems I have is being too stubborn sometimes. To not admit defeat and keep trying even when I know there is no solution. When I?m sick I push, trying to write even if I feel like crap because I feel guilty for needing the rest and wanting to get the word count up regardless of how I feel. I don?t tell myself it?s okay to stop and rest. I don?t give myself permission to relax and rest or even take a break. Pushing past your limits can be exhilarating, you feel like you?ve beat something, accomplished something but if the price is your health it?s not good, not at all. Sometimes we do have to stop and give ourselves permission to say, ?Okay, time to rest. You won?t do anyone any good if you keep pushing yourself.?

I tend to do this when I feel myself in the middle of the down episode. I?ll try to ignore the signs/triggers to push past it. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn?t. But in the end it doesn?t help because I need the downtime, even if I hate it. A break, a bit or rest, even taking an hour to play for a bit helps. The same can be said about the way I sometimes approach things. I take on too much, don?t depend on anyone and then have myself to blame when things blow up. It?s okay to lean on your friends. If they leave you because you needed them, they weren?t your friends. But if they want to help let them. It?s okay to put down the burden for a bit and not be strong. It?s okay to take a rest and it?s okay lean on someone else for a change let someone else take care of you.

It?s a hard lesson, one we forget. It?s okay to not be Atlas all the time, our health depends on it. It?s also okay to be scared and it?s okay to change, to grow. I?ve been reading this book called Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner and it?s been very enlightening to say the least. I?ve been examining my own actions and interactions, understanding myself. With those examinations, pokes and prods comes some harsh truths but in the end I?ve learned to accept it, take what I know and grow from it. The one lesson I?ve learned, is, and say it with me, it?s okay. LOL

I finished HH3. I just sent it off to be read and looked over before I send it in officially. I managed to get it up to 34k+ in word count. Now I?ve got one spin off series I?m contemplating, one story set in a sci-fi world that I?d love to write and a new series that began to form when I started writing Van?s story. Van is from Sex and Chocolate: Chocolate Bliss. The writer’s block is over. It feels good writing again. *Big Grin*
Se

I just wanted to wish everyone a wonderful, safe, happy, healthy, prosperous and fun New Year.

Looking back on this last year, I see it’s been a roller coaster ride. Especially the last few months. Emotionally I was all over the place and it didn’t help that my depression had risen to really drag me out. I wasn’t in a really bad place per say but I found myself looking in my mind’s mirror and really examining myself. I found myself not so much in the usual pain that rises up when my depression decides to peek out but I wasn’t completely numb either. I was just?emotionally?exhausted. I could no longer lie to myself and ignore how worn out I was. I wasn’t taking care of myself emotionally the way I should. I let things build up for too long and it all just dragged me down. This wasn’t a normal depression episode where I could have just withdrawn for a day and it would be fine. This lasted for a few months and I needed time to heal, a lot of time to heal and re-examine my actions and other things.

I can say that I’m in a better place now, much better. It helps to have friends who can understand the situation. Empathy can help with the healing process. I’m still relearning how to breathe. I’m not that same eighteen year old who?broke down?and got stuck in her head for five years. I’m older for one thing, lol. And I’ve learned about myself that I didn’t know. It’s a constant process to learn, relearn and remind myself on ways to deal with my depression. I am not my depression. It is an aspect of me. It doesn’t control me if I don’t let it. I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s okay to stop and breathe, take time for me. The world won’t implode but not everyone will understand.

I’ve grown up a lot. I’ve learned a lot. I’m actually happy. Little by little I’m relearning to walk all over again and breathe on my own. I wouldn’t trade any of my experiences to be happier. Without them, these scars I carry on my heart from that breakdown have marked me. I didn?t let the world cave in around me this time I got up and kept going.? Not because I wanted to but because I had to. It?s my life and there are no stunt doubles who will take my place when it all gets too much.

I can say this song helps describe where I?m at now.

For this New Year, I won?t make resolutions. I?ll either forget about them or let them fall by the wayside due to laziness. Instead, I promise myself to take time out for myself ever once in awhile. To work hard and keep pushing myself and my writing and to finally lose my depression weight (which is a challenge cause I love food). I know I can do it. It?s all just like relearning to breathe, slow steps at first but once you get the hang of it, it?s all natural.

Where you wake up and a happy song is playing in your head and you hope that everything will be okay, only to realize it’s not. I occasionally suffer from depression, not as bad as it was a few years ago when I spent 5+ years wallowing in anger, sadness, thoughts of death (yes, even my own) and just utter and complete darkness. It was painful, soul wrenching, exhausting and just damn sad.

Ever since the day I took control of my depression, I’ve had flare ups. Days where I was just angry, sad, frustrated and lacked concentration. This is one of those days. These normally happen when I stress too much and don’t take care of myself. Lately I’ve been doing too much stress, the last few days have just accelerated things.

Right now I’m listening to Darkest Days by Stabbing Westward. If I’m listening to that particular CD and not using it for a scene in a book, then it’s gotten very not happy for me. Usually I’m at the point where I shut out the world and go wallow. Lately I’ve noticed that I’ve had a hard time delving into writing like I use too. That should have been the first sign to me that something was wrong, but hindsight is twenty-twenty, right? *sigh*

I should have seen the flare up about to occur and tried to stave it off. How I have no idea. Some people say exercises can help, vitamins too. But the thing is depression is in the mind, those little energy mood enhancers don’t stave off the thoughts now do they? No, they don’t. They take care of the body aspect, make you feel good and full of energy.

I’ve been telling myself for the past two weeks things will get better. Ha, look where I am now. *sigh* When depression hits, it’s hard to see the forest through the tress. Hard to see the happiness when all around you it just feels like all the happiness you try to hang on to drifts away or just gets snatched away.

One of the things I had to force myself to learn, is that happiness is out there, you just have to look really hard for it. Tiring, I know. It’s like why the hell do I have to look for it, it should find me damnit. lol. Not that easy. With depression, happiness is so beyond reach it’s like the drifting last breaths of a dream, you know the part where you wake up and try to hang onto a really good dream only to have it float away and then a few minutes later you can’t even remember it. It’s like that. Depression is hard to move, hard to breath, hard to think through the haze, you’re crawling, not walking through muck and it gets harder and harder to do anything. You just want to sit there and let it take you.

You don’t want to fight any more. It’s just too hard, it’s easier to just let the depression win. It’s not like any one cares or will miss you right? That the way I use to think. And trust me, it was hard to break that line of thought. Hard to actually think that people could care if you weren’t there anymore.

Luckily I’ve moved on from that way of thinking. But the thoughts sometimes pop up. Depression will always be with me. But no matter how bad it gets I won’t let it take me back to where I was during that 5+ yrs I had in my own personal hell.

Crap, I’ve brought down the room. All I can tell you is, life is hard and sometimes the shit keeps flying at you but if you can find something happy, a little hope, it can go a long way. I know, I was there.

Selena