I hope these convos will become a monthly thing. During Conversations with the Se and Ce we’ll be discussing various topics of interest. Today’s topic Porn Rules! Oh, I mean Porn Rules. Rules for the Porn.

Selena: Hey this is Selena and I’m here with my writing buddy Celia
Kyle. Say hi Ce!

Ce: This would work better on google talk. ;D Hey everybody! Know what time it is? Porn Rules! time. Oh, wait. We’re not talking about why it rocks are we… We’re discussing rules for porn. So, it should be: Porn Rules. Period. No exclamation point.

Se: LOL. Yeah, so it should be Porn Rules or how about Rules for
Porn? Too Boring?

Ce: I still like Porn Rules! We’ll just have to put up a little disclaimer telling people what we’re actually talking about. Ok, how about rules.

1. Do not look into the camera while f*cking. If we wanted to see a pretty face, we’d look in the mirror. We are not here for facial expressions people!

Se: I totally agree. I also feel it’s a bit vain ya know. Looking at
the camera as if to say I’m hot and look what I got going on. Not hot at all.

2. Talking during sex is a good thing. I mean if I wanted to hear just grunts and groans I’d watch tennis. *Se suddenly develops a very interesting take on tennis, she shakes her head* I don’t want to hear just “Oh, yeah”.” or “I’m coming.” Come on!

I want to hear the bad words, make it dirty! What do you think Ce?
Ce: Heck yeah! Talk dirty to me dammit! Do you need someone to write that part of the script for you too? Fine. Here it goes:

He slides his cock into you and you say: That’s it give me that big cock. Stuff me full of it baby.

Just as a side note: Don’t ever call a guy’s cock fat. That just brings cellulite infested cock images to mind and that’s just…gross. Ew!

Se: Ack! The images, the mental images. *Selena can’t stop seeing fat cocks dancing around* Make it stop! Make it stop! Ce, you propose the next rule, I gotta go get out the mind bleach.

Ce: Hmm… the next rule. How about the ladies at least pretending that they enjoy it. I’m not talking about just adding a few words here and there, but I dunno. Looking as if they are having fun. Possibly even busting out with a moan and groan that DOESN’T seem rehearsed.

Se: I totally agree. Come on girls, you’re supposed to enjoy it not look like you’d rather be shopping! Next rule

4: Fashion is a must. Not trashy and flashy please.

Ce: Ugh! If I have to see one more leopard print anything in a porn flick… I’m gonna puke! I swear! I KNOW that leopard is not the only thing out there ladies. I own lingerie too.

Se: I know! I don’t want it to turn into Velcro city but give something that will make the guy work for it.

Ce: Oh! I have another one. For the love of all that is holy… stop with the semen facials. Please. I do not find that hot and I have no idea how a guy could. It’s just gross. And messy. And is that really sanitary?

Se: I mean semen is supposed to healthy but not for the skin! Another thing that goes back to fashion: shoes, what’s up with all the clear heels?

Anyway, setting. Setting should at least be somewhat appealing. A barn in the middle of no where, not sexy if you just met the person.

Ce: Hey! The clear heels are kinda cute when there are little things floating around in them. You know the ones that are filled with blue liquid and have a cute little rubber ducky inside…

Se: LOL. Rubber ducky in the heels?

Ce: Well, in the front platform part at least. kinda cute.

Se: Okay, I’ll give you that, we’ll get you some clear heels for RT. How’s that?

Ce: Yay! Then I’ll be trashy and tall!

Se: And I’ll wear my cute 4 1/2 inch heel sandals with ya.

Ce: And just because you doubted me… Ka Blam: Shoes

 I can even get some with goldfishies

Se: Cute!

Ce: I know, right? We’ve drifted from our topic.

Se: Yup we did. Settings, they need to be more I don’t know creative?

Ce: Yes. Out with the crappy hotel room look and in with the I dunno… high priced hotel room. LOL Museums. They should fuck in museums. Cultural Porn.

Se: LOL. Okay how about anything that doesn’t look like it’s from the Disco era?

Ce: Yeah, that would be helpful. And if they’re going to do an orgy scene by a pool. The women are not allowed to wear jewelry that will bang against the pool chairs and make annoying sounds. It kills the mood.

Se: Cultural Porn, just caught that. I like that. Porn that is sophisticated. LOL

Ce: Museum of Modern Art, here we come! Literally!

Se: Well aren’ t you a bit voyeuristic! LOL

Ce: Um, if they let me watch it on a video, why can’t I be there when they film it? It WAS my idea… I am the founder of the CP movement. I need to add that to my resume.

Se: Hon, I don’ t think that would be good on your resume.

Ce: It would show my artistic side.

Se: Artistic side?

Ce: Yes, it shows that I have imagination. That’s good, right? *nods head* I know it’s good.

Se: Who would hire you?

Ce: The porn people. I’m golden baby.

Se: Okay, we’re getting off topic again. Next Rule, make up. Come on guys a little less would be nice.

Ce: What? You don’t like the “I’m wearing a mask as I get reamed” look? Nah, me neither. All things in moderation, ladies. Ok, maybe not all things, but makeup-definitely.

Se: Yes, definitely. Next up girl on girl. Guys can watch it, why can’t we watch guy on guy?
I mean, women being in the room with the guys.

Ce: I know! Man on man. It’s mm mm good!

Ce: If I’ve got to watch one more girl get a good eatin on without getting to watch a guy get the same, I’ll scream

Se: They need cheerleaders too and I volunteer us and the rest of the HB who want to watch.

Ce: Oooh! I have an outfit for that

Se: Uh sweetie that’s not your black leather mistress cheer leading outfit is it?

Ce: And why not? One of them will have their cute little tushies in the air just begging for a quick thwap!

Se: Sweetie they don’t want us involved. How about we make them wear leather then let them take it off before the fun? Ce stop daydreaming! Focus!

Ce: Fine. I’m focused. I’m focused. Geez

Se: Okay, next rule: Thou shalt not give blow jobs while driving.

Ce: Um, no comment

Se: What do mean no comment? *Selena gasps* Celia Kyle!

Ce: Ce whistling… What?

Se: I’m not riding in a car with you when you’re with Mr. Kyle okay? What’s the next rule?
Ce: Don’t bother with story lines. We ARE NOT watching the porn to be entertained by who’s fucking who’s husband. Just fuck already!

Se: Amen sister! If I wanted story lines I’d read a book or watch a movie. I’m tired of hearing so many cheesy lines it’s insane. Also, I don’t actually need to know the names of the stars do I?

Ce: Heck no. I just want to know if they have the necessary equipment. They do? Great, get it on.

Se: Next up sex toys. Yes or no to using them?

Ce: Um…yeah! Oh, wait, you meant in porn, didn’t you?
Sorry.

Se: Yes I did, lol.

Ce: Hmmm… I’m gonna have to go with yes. Otherwise, the orgasms are definitely faked.
I mean seriously, do YOU ever come that many times without the aid of a toy? Didn’t think so.

Se: Yeah, I would like to know how the ’cone works. Have you ever seen that thing?

Ce: Oooh! yeah, but not thinking it’s a great porno vid toy.

Se: Oh, oh, they could use the body bouncer during porn!

Ce: Oh! My favorite toy ever! I am dying for one. DYING!

Se: We’ll ask Mr. Kyle to get you one for Christmas. Next up, men. Um, where did all the hotties go? Did they go to Gay Porn?

Ce: I know! I’m sorry, but to star in hetero porn, you need more than just stamina and a big dick. I’d like to enjoy looking at his face a bit too. They should pay the Gay porn stars a lot of money to do hetero porn so that we’d have some nice yummies to look at.

Se: Oh and the women. My boobs aren’t that big, let’s hear it for the small chested women! How about a little variety in the rack department?

Ce:Big or small, I’d like to see REAL ones. If you die and they are still are around fifty years later, laying in your coffin…that ain’t right.

Se: Also, they don’t all have to have small waists, come on be realistic. Women watch porn too! Let’s hear it for all body types of women.

Ce: Exactly! Fat people porn! Give me some jiggle baby! I KNOW what I look like when grooving with Mr. Kyle and it ain’t like that.

Se: Mind bleach! Where’s the mind bleach?

End of Part 1

Se amd Ce Convos Part 2
Se: Hey there it’s Se and Ce here again. We’re back for another round of um Ce what do we call this? Yo, Mistress of Cuddlyness, stop trying to use Mr. Whippy on me. I can’t write that fast.

Ce: Who me? crack I’m not doing anything. smack Type beyotch! Type!
Mwhahahahaha

Se: Ow! Ow! Damn it that stings. Put that thing away or I’m telling.

Ce: Telling who?

Se: I’m gonna tell Shar.
For the Love of God Woman, stop that.

Ce: Mwhahahaha cough Damn… Gotta see the doc

Se: Ut oh, what’s wrong?

Ce: Bit of a cough… Nothing that a couple of cough drops or shot of whiskey can’t cure. wink Okay, maybe not whiskey . . . How about an apple martini?
Alcohol kills germs…

Se: Any excuse right?

Ce: Yep!

Se: Okay, while the new hottie bartender works his magic let’s get down to business. Rules for Porn.

Ce: Porn Rules!!!!!

Se: Yes, Porn rules, but what other rules can there be? How about no more Pizza delivery guy fantasies?

Ce: Ugh! Yes! I’m sorry, but the pizza delivery guy is never that hot and does not come with a dick that is that long, that wide, and hard out the gate.

Se: Thank You! What other porn fantasias should be retired? How about a little equal opportunity? How about female boss and hot male worker?

Ce: Oh! Yeah baby! I could get into that… Tom! This work was crap! Bend over while I whack you with a ruler!

Se: Tom has been very naughty. LOL. How about baby-sitter should be retired?

Ce: Um, yeah… That fantasy is just squicky. I realize guys want a young woman, but if she’s babysitting your kid? That’s just gross. I am over

“Oh… Mr. Feinstein…
What are you doing?”
“Fucking you beyotch! What does it look like.”
Okay, that is just wrong. Enough I tell you, enough! Ce stomps stiletto

Se: Enough is enough!

Ro (on the phone with Ce and Se): What about Dirty Talk? There needs to be some rules.

Se: Hon we’ll get to the do’s and don’ts of dirty talk in a bit.

Ce: But wait… dirty talk can be dirty and good in a naughty kind of way. I don’t want it to be gone entirely.

Se: We’ll save dirty talk for a bit later. How about football cheerleader fantasy.

Ce: Okay… Um, if a guy just finished practice, is covered in yucky dirt and stuff, I am not going to drop my drawers and be all ‘do me baby’. I’ll be like…get in the shower bucko!

Se: You can help him shower.

Ce: Um, no. I don’t want to be near him unless he’s super clean. Like super . . . super dooper

Se: Okay, now that, that’s over dirty talk.

Ce: Call me confused.

Se: Sorry I meant onto dirty talk.

Ce: Ooh, baby. You know how I like it…

Se: Let’s talk Rules for talking dirty.

Ce: Oh, I thought you wanted me to talk dirty to you. I see.

Se: What! Where’s the mind bleach?

Ce: The ‘C’ word should never ever be used…unless of course she likes it. But I don’t really, so no. Then again, sometimes it is kinda hot…. I’m not very good at this.

Se: Yeah, insults are not sexy. Unless the person likes it.

Ce: See, you’re not good at this either

Se: Oh, enthusiasm is a must.

Ce: How about this? I’d like the women to be a bit more vocal…and realistic when they’re vocal. And they should look like they’re enjoying themselves. Yeah.

Se: Ce where’d you go? Stop staring at Shemar Moore Nekky.

Ce: But I’m trying to imagine how big he’d be if he was… you know

Se: Ce!

Ce: Yes… I’m here.

Se: Okay, good. I’ve got your attention.

Ce: You know you’re thinking the same thing….

Se: No I wasn’t!

Ce: Um, yeah, right…. And I’ve got a wall in China to sell you… Or is it a bridge in Brooklyn. Maybe they should do a porno on the brooklyn bridge! Yes!

Se: Brooklyn dear. Now back to Dirty talk. Cursing is a good thing.

Ce: Oh! Yes, it is! Fuck is a great word to use during sex. Especially when the guy is all grrrrrr….

Se: Grrrr. . . ?

Ce: Yeah. Grrrrrr…. The readers will know what I’m talking about.

Se: You mean aggressive?

Ce: Yeah… But more grrrr and animilastic… but not beastiality, that’s gross

Se: Yes that is gross.

Ce: Look! We agree! Kodak Moment! click

Se: LOL. I know scary. Ah! I wasn’t ready!

Ce: Too bad… that one’s going in the scrapbook…

Se: But I could have red eyes and my hair is a mess.

Ce: CS2 can fix the red eyes and I can probably put new hair on you too. it’s all good.

Se: Can you air brush me to look like Halle Berry?

Ce: Not sure, but I’ll give it a shot. grin Okay, back on task cause I’m tired.

Se: Are you laughing at me?

Ce: LOL. Acceptable works: Pussy, Cock, Ass, Fuck. Unacceptable: C*nt
Okay, I only have one bad word.

Se: Calling a woman a bitch or ho during sex, not acceptable.

Ce: Ooh! Yeah, those are bad too. I am not a bitch. Nope, never, ever. Not even when PMSing

Se: Not sexy at all. And what about insulting the guy?

Ce: Can I tell him he has a small weenie if he does?

Se: LMAO!

Ce: That wasn’t an answer.

Se: I don’t think that will help dear.

Ce: Oh. Okay Be that way then.

Se: But if he insults you, you can. LOL

Ce: Booyah!

Se: LOL. Okay, what else were we supposed to talk about . . . oh yeah . . . SEX TOYS!

Ce: Sex toys whine But mom, I’m tired….

Se: Who you calling mom?

Ce: Sex toys are great at helping you get to sleep though. One big O and I’m out
like a light.

Se: Uh, Ce, hon what have you been doing?

Ce: Nothing…. yet. Recommended sex toys:

Ben Wa balls

Silver Bullet

Rabbit

Se: Oh lord, okkkaaaayyy, know what, we’ll save sex toys for next time so you can um, you know go get some sleep. How’s that?

Ce: Woot!

Se: So next time SEX TOYS! The good, the bad and the what the hell is that! Don’t forget guys, you can give us suggestions for convos.

End of Part 2

(c)2009 Selena Illyria and Celia Kyle, All Rights Reserved

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