Kink and BDSM- is there a difference? by Mistress Cyn

Kink and BDSM- is there a difference?

By: Mistress Cyn

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First and foremost, I want to take the time to thank Selena for allowing me, Mistress Cyn, the opportunity to play on her blog. I know her time and blog space is valuable. Her time especially, since I know I call her often enough with my crankiness when characters say they’re kinky and I want to write a BDSM story. In many people’s eyes—BDSM and kinkiness are one and the same. They do go hand-in-hand, but that doesn’t mean they are interchangeable, though many people use them in that way. So is there really a difference between kink and BDSM? Should there be one? Or is it in all in our heads because we want to make ourselves look less or more sexed out than we really are?
Sex is as sex does. That’s a truth I’ve learned over the years and from talking to many people who are in the BDSM lifestyle and from those who just love sex in any shape and form. Whether you like your sex plain, swirled or all out freaky—there is something for everyone out there. Kink is where and how you find it. Maybe you enjoy having some restraint during sex—it’s what turns you on the most. Perhaps your lover wants you to wear heels during sex—it’s what gives his sex drive a boost. That’s kink. It’s not always necessary to have—but having it allows you to have a greater thrill and enjoyment than what you would have otherwise.
Those within the BDSM lifestyle—whether they are lifestylers, casually acquainted or who have been part of it on and off for years quietly—they will tell you that for them, that without the kink—they don’t feel complete. That they need to be flogged, to wear furry costumes, to become subservient, to dominate, to endure a certain level of pain to allow them to enjoy sexual release as well as physical release. Yes, many of them can have normal sex, but honestly, many have done without because it just wasn’t worth it if they couldn’t have their sex with the necessary accoutrements to make their lives more vivid, more worthwhile.

This isn’t saying that everyone will always go that route. That’s not true at all.
Sometimes a good fuck is a good fuck. Sometimes you need slow, loving sex like nothing else. Other times, you need to have your lover use toys on you to bring you to orgasm because it’s the only way you can come. Sometimes, the only release where you feel like you’ve completely let go is where you’ve role-played a scene where he’s the pirate and you’re the serving wench that he’s caught for the night. (This is really popular for both sexes. And let me tell you—sometimes it’s the women as the pirates—just saying!) Kink can help elevate a normal sex act into something special. It can make a ho hum, same old into something where you brag to your friends about how he made you orgasm X number of times because he did this new thing that just turned you on. Kink is your fantasy made reality in small bursts. It’s controllable and it’s done in such a way that you always control it, it doesn’t always control you.

BDSM walks a fine edge of danger. You often hear of people who live the lifestyle talk about SSC or RACK. They acknowledge that no matter how prepared you are- you can be hurt when you engage in some aspects of extreme kink aspects of that world. You can only prepare, be knowledgeable and know yourself. You rely on your partner to be aware and in the moment so you both know when it’s time to stop, reevaluate and more.
When friends and I talk about kink, BDSM and fetish—we often put it like this. We are not fetishists—who venerate objects sexually to get off. We love kink and use kink in our lifestyle because we are into BDSM. BDSM is the highest levels of kink within its description—if you think on it. It’s bondage, submission, domination, sadism, masochism. It’s being taunted, teased, dominated, submitting—all in a sexual manner—forcing you to acknowledge that part of yourself that you hide sexually.
You might admit you like sex against a wall. It’s kinky, you say. A person in BDSM might say, “Sex against a wall really makes me feel great because the pressure of the wall is a restraint where I can’t go anywhere—and I have to let the other person direct what is going on.” Notice the subtle difference? You might like the kink of having your hands held while having sex. For someone in BDSM—they would like their hands to be cuffed behind their back or stretched to where they’re holding heavy objects so their mind is focused on something other than whatever is going on in their mind. To them, the act of restraint frees them up mentally for their sexual release. It allows them to let go emotionally and sexually.
For many people, they’ll say that kink is one thing, BDSM is another. That kink is baby stuff and BDSM is the real thing. In many ways, they’re right. BDSM is a higher level of kink—but it’s still kink. It is a degree of kink that takes a higher amount of effort to bring about the desired effect on the person but it also does more emotionally as well. Good sex makes you feel good physically and emotionally. You feel more open, you feel relaxed, and you feel able to handle things that normally might bother you. BDSM does that and for many—helps them deal with their fears, sometimes their traumas of their pasts, and it can help them deal with stresses that often wear them down. People hear about corporate bigwigs who go to Dommes to boss them around—yeah, there’s a reason for that—they’re tired of being the one in charge for billions of dollars and many peoples’ lives. For once, they’re handing over the reins and letting someone boss them around to bring them some peace and release that they can’t find any other way.
Kink and BDSM, they’re cousins. They’re not exact matches and though many people interchange them, and in some instances it’s not completely inappropriate, they are different creatures. Kink ranges from the light, occasional splurges to those who might engage in what people might call baby BDSM. It’s light bondage or light role play. It’s not all the time in the bedroom, but it’s between a couple who trusts each other and has talked out what they want and need from each other. They want to bring each other great fulfillment and know that they enjoy more than just what’s considered vanilla sex. Then there’s the next step itself—BDSM. It encompasses the aspects that can seem a bit darker, deeper, and perhaps a bit scarier to people. The kink aspect is still there, but it becomes more necessary to have on a regular basis. It defines part of how they see themselves sexually. Those who are kinky don’t necessarily define them by their kink alone.
And I think that’s the big difference. Kinksters aren’t defined by their kink alone, not like those in BDSM. Kinksters often feel free to go try many things, see what they like and vary it up a bit. Those in BDSM will often explore but go back to that which really works for them time and again. It’s their main trigger and it’s how they really see themselves sexually—a dominant, a submissive, a switch, etc.
So the question is this—how do you view yourself in the world of sex—normal, kinky, or something more—like BDSM?

 

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To find out more about Mistress Cyn go to www.cynnara.com

9 Responses to “Kink and BDSM- is there a difference? by Mistress Cyn”

  • Brilliant post, and very helpful about the emotional differences between mere kink and lifestyle.

  • Thanks, MC! I think sometimes it’s important to clear up the differences and celebrate where they overlap too. For me, the joy is in sharing the information so people can happily explore their interests without feeling like it’s taboo.

  • Great post! I love how you described the differences between the two. I think a lot of people confuse the two. A lot of people don’t realize that you can just be kinky/freaky and I think BDSM is more of a way you like to get your groove on. And well…we write Erotica, so nothing’s taboo for us, but for our readers, it’s good that they see why some books can be kinky while others are more BDSM focused.
    Thanks!

  • Thanks Milly! Some people really don’t see how one is more necessary to how you define yourself but the other is part perception for a while and not all the time. There are times when I’m kinky, but the BDSM part of me is at a level that is more than what I can just put to one side. They’re kissing cousins, but with some differences.

  • An insightful, thoughtful, and thought-provoking piece about why BDSM and kink are similar…but not identical. Well done, Cyn! My compliments. :)

  • Maggie Nash:

    Great post Cyn.

    It’s amazing how many people have trouble with the difference. It’s also amazing how when you start using kink, for some, (not saying who!) but for some you will never be satisfied with less ever again.

    Mags

  • Interesting and thought provoking. Well said, Cyn!

  • Gabrielle:

    What a great post. I never knew how many people thought that these two were the same until I really started exploring and researching for myself. It is great when I come upon a wonderful and enlightening post like yours. It helps all of those that are new to this.

  • Thanks everyone! I have to admit, it’s so simple and easy to interchange the two. I’ve done it before, and honestly, I’ll probably do it again. But there are subtle differences, which really are significant when you take the time to look. I’m just grateful that people are willing to look at it and into it and not be critical or scared about it. To me, both are two beautiful things to be cherished and enjoyed. Se’s just lucky I didn’t do a post on sex toys– which ones are able to be used in more than the original design concept. *grins evilly*

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